& only in you do I understand me (wintersoul) wrote in justanillusion,
& only in you do I understand me

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Jus' another vent...

I don't miss you.... I miss what I lost whilst I was with you...

I don’t miss you. I miss your jumpers though, their scratchy softness, too washed, over-washed stretch…the way they scratched and nestled my cheek. The way I could inhale you from them as I slept upon it with a hand curled through it. I wonder what you’re doing now….. don’t think for a moment that I care though. I don’t miss you. I miss the way your smile felt rested on me though. I wonder if you remember all the Christmas’ and the walks in the snow, we were going to be forever…did I always know that I’d leave…. that I’d go? I don’t miss you. I just want you to know, that I’ll always not miss you. It was never you…because it couldn’t be me. I couldn’t be the one for you…I couldn’t be anything new…and neither, neither could you. I don’t miss you. You were as wrong for me, as the me was for you. Toes pinched in too-small boots on too-long walks and car doors slammed, you always knew when Trent screamed his loudest, that I’d listen to you the least. Guilt trips and wordless lips all sealed in that wax initial that you wanted. Fall downs and break downs and dead roses in a box by the leather bound book you could never understand. Eternity it said…cracked at the cranium….it was always me that was going to leave, how apt that I kept my eternity in a box…and yours , well yours you lost. The rings are all squashed and kept, in another…another one little box. Never had our faces looked so sad then when we were with each other, never had hey looked so sad as when we parted. It was never you…..I could have let you have been. You had my heart and they, they had the key. I had your heart and a dirty boot that stepped upon it. Three winters was too long and if we’d just kept the first maybe ….. I wish you were my friend. You always was…..so many people had the more I should have given to you. Maybe you didn’t take it. Maybe you just never saw it. I dreamt you understood me once…..and in that dreams your eyes were the colour of understanding, the colour of misery. I really don’t miss you at all. No fireworks. No longing. No shivers. I’d lost you as that before you knew it had gone….before I started to slip away into arms I couldn’t have. It was never you and it couldn’t be them. My heart slipped out the back door, some little purpled lolita that had left you…years before the rest of me followed. You needed cello tape, I needed nails. The hardest thing was to not touch your tears…….that I made you cry. To not let you see mine, that night, the night I said the over due goodbye. I don’t miss you. I could never miss you in the way you wanted me to, in the way I wanted to. I’ll always not miss you. Always.
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