Rascal King (roadrat) wrote in justanillusion,
Rascal King
roadrat
justanillusion

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It;'s been awhile...

I don't know if any of you have read my rants before. But really I don't fucking care. (see I learned.)

It's another roadrat is fucking hateful of the world and it's fucking injustices. Feel free to rate my rant from 1-10. Fuck you I need an ego boost ok.

I dunno, I"m feel like shit. I feel like i'm losing my fucking mind. You people are the only people that at this moment I can talk to. How fucked up is that? I guess some of you feel the same way, we come here to not feel alone in our anger and pain. Our frustration that we weren't built for this life. Yet I still say fuck you to the people I am willing to confide in. Go figure. You guys are awesome, and it's nice to know that sometime, someone understand and more then that, they are willing read what the fuck I say. Even after I tell you to fuck off.

Anyways, my issues these days. We so hope life will get better and do things that that we hope will change things. But here I am, back here hating myself and my life. "and I"m sinking ever deeper to a place that's cold and black" as stabbing westward would say.

So I fell for a girl (I know it always starts with a girl, go figure.). BUt see, I wasn't god enough for her. She didn't care if I loved her, or I was devoted or if I could be a better person because of her. See I don't have a job, so those things just didn't have weight. See I had to have something *more* to offer. Am I the only mother fucker left who thinks caring means a damn? I helped her through a very rough part of her life when noone else was tehre. Did that matter? Nope. See she had some ex's who weren't anywhere in life and lumped me in that category. So to get the same fucking chance some asshole from myspace had, I ahve to put in a shit ton of effort jump through a shit ton of hoops. Because his stupid ass ahd a job, so he got that chance by just messaging her. He turned out to be a dick. See me and her have been very close friends...I"m having a really bad fucking day. I'm seriously feeling so alone I don't even know wtf I"m doing. But she's off hanging out with him cause he text her and asked to come over to hang out with his friends. Mind you, when he dropped her to date someoen else he said he'd only hang out with her if his friend was there. Yeah cause he's not trying to hook his friend up. Fucking dueche bag. So My best friend is off chilling with him. While i'm here, drinking on my meds and suicidal. Yay fucking me.

To show how fucking sad my life is. I moved to florida from mass hoping the summer all the time might help my seasonal depression. That maybe a change of senery might help. Fuck I even got on anti depresent/anti anxiety meds. But all that did was seperate me from my friends and have noone to fucking hang out with.

I"m a bit drunk so my ranting is losing steam. But wtf, why do I keep stabbing myself in the chest like this. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just feel so fucking useless, wasted and used fucking up. I'm sitting here going "Wtf is the point?". Nothing works out, I"m even more alone then before and I hate myself more then ever. I feel liek a peace of shit. I feel numb and empty. I mean, I put a cigarette to my arm and a heated peace of metal, just to feel fucking SOMETHING. Just to have some presence i'm alive.

I'm just losing my fucking my and don't know how to get out of this pit alone....

I dunno, this shit prolly isn't coherent. But thanks for listening to what's in my fucked up head guys.
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