******* (starsncrescents) wrote in justanillusion,
*******
starsncrescents
justanillusion

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My First Heartbreak

I met this guy months ago at work. We had clear chemistry even though we are complete opposites. He's goth, I'm not. He's 26, I'm 18. And so on. But it worked really well. We started going out in May. Things were great. We spent all summer together and had fun just falling asleep in each other's arms. In July, I decided that I wanted to give him the gift of my virginity. I don't regret it even now. I could not have wished for a more special person to come along and be so utterly caring and sweet. The problem was, in August I was moving away to school. We both knew this going in, but we couldn't help but fall for each other.

I moved up to school(about six hours away from home) and things were hard. But I was coming home to visit in two weeks, so it really wasn't a big deal. I knew that he was having a really hard time without me there. My friends kept me up to date on how he was doing and all that. He spent the first week drunk and tried to keep himself so busy, so as not to think about me being gone. We went from seeing each other everyday to talking on the one once every few days.

I came home and everything was fine, like I had never left. It felt good to be back in his arms again and to have the affection I didn't have at school. But the weekend was short and eventually I had to go back.

For a while, we talked on the phone a few times a week and a lot online. Then he started to disappear. I would hear from him every few weeks and even then it was for really quick chats. I knew he was busy and so was I so I let it go.

At the beginning of the month, I was randomly looking at this website online and found a picture of him at a club. And he had some girl wrapped around him. At first, I freaked out, I mean who wouldn’t? But then I started to think that he’s never cheated on a girlfriend before and that she is probably just a friend.

Two nights ago, I found out that she was more than a friend. In fact, he had dated her for a while. I was/am completely devastated. I talked to him about it yesterday and asked him not only if he loves me(because he’s never once said it) and why he didn’t tell me. We had never talked about seeing other people, only that if we wanted to, we would talk about it first. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I got fucked! I asked him if he slept with her and, although his response didn’t directly answer the question, I know he did. What’s worse is that he was fucking her TWO weeks after I had left from my visit.

I told him how hurt I am and he is genuinely sorry for causing me pain, but he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong. He thought we did have an understanding that when we were apart, we weren’t together, but when I’m home we are.

I want to hate him so bad, but I can’t. I am so deeply in love with him that I could never hate him. I hate what he did and how I feel and how apathetic he is, but I don’t hate him. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but I know that I am going to protect my heart from him. I am emotionally shut off to him right now and I told him that. The thing is though, it’s almost like he doesn’t care. Like I mean nothing to him. And I know that’s not true, but it still hurts.

Anyways, I’m going to go get shit-faced for All Hollow’s Eve and try to forget about all this. I’m really sorry if I bored you guys, but I saw the community and it sounded like the right place to get out this stuff.
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