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Wednesday, January 20th, 2010
11:57 pm - It;'s been awhile...

I don't know if any of you have read my rants before. But really I don't fucking care. (see I learned.)

It's another roadrat is fucking hateful of the world and it's fucking injustices. Feel free to rate my rant from 1-10. Fuck you I need an ego boost ok.

I dunno, I"m feel like shit. I feel like i'm losing my fucking mind. You people are the only people that at this moment I can talk to. How fucked up is that? I guess some of you feel the same way, we come here to not feel alone in our anger and pain. Our frustration that we weren't built for this life. Yet I still say fuck you to the people I am willing to confide in. Go figure. You guys are awesome, and it's nice to know that sometime, someone understand and more then that, they are willing read what the fuck I say. Even after I tell you to fuck off.

Anyways, my issues these days. We so hope life will get better and do things that that we hope will change things. But here I am, back here hating myself and my life. "and I"m sinking ever deeper to a place that's cold and black" as stabbing westward would say.

So I fell for a girl (I know it always starts with a girl, go figure.). BUt see, I wasn't god enough for her. She didn't care if I loved her, or I was devoted or if I could be a better person because of her. See I don't have a job, so those things just didn't have weight. See I had to have something *more* to offer. Am I the only mother fucker left who thinks caring means a damn? I helped her through a very rough part of her life when noone else was tehre. Did that matter? Nope. See she had some ex's who weren't anywhere in life and lumped me in that category. So to get the same fucking chance some asshole from myspace had, I ahve to put in a shit ton of effort jump through a shit ton of hoops. Because his stupid ass ahd a job, so he got that chance by just messaging her. He turned out to be a dick. See me and her have been very close friends...I"m having a really bad fucking day. I'm seriously feeling so alone I don't even know wtf I"m doing. But she's off hanging out with him cause he text her and asked to come over to hang out with his friends. Mind you, when he dropped her to date someoen else he said he'd only hang out with her if his friend was there. Yeah cause he's not trying to hook his friend up. Fucking dueche bag. So My best friend is off chilling with him. While i'm here, drinking on my meds and suicidal. Yay fucking me.

To show how fucking sad my life is. I moved to florida from mass hoping the summer all the time might help my seasonal depression. That maybe a change of senery might help. Fuck I even got on anti depresent/anti anxiety meds. But all that did was seperate me from my friends and have noone to fucking hang out with.

I"m a bit drunk so my ranting is losing steam. But wtf, why do I keep stabbing myself in the chest like this. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just feel so fucking useless, wasted and used fucking up. I'm sitting here going "Wtf is the point?". Nothing works out, I"m even more alone then before and I hate myself more then ever. I feel liek a peace of shit. I feel numb and empty. I mean, I put a cigarette to my arm and a heated peace of metal, just to feel fucking SOMETHING. Just to have some presence i'm alive.

I'm just losing my fucking my and don't know how to get out of this pit alone....

I dunno, this shit prolly isn't coherent. But thanks for listening to what's in my fucked up head guys.

current mood: numb

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Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
8:15 am

what if i just
let myself
can i quietly
slip into
pretend that
will you let
can i just
and scream
and drown
inside myself?
i obliviously
into the
knowledge that i

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
3:15 am - Yep.Another rant.

I'm fucking sick of people asking me if I'm ok.I'm fucking sick of having the reflex answer of "i'm fine" that I've had since I was like 14.My new naswer I like better then the reflex.I haven't been ok since I was like 6.Why the fuck do you think I would be ok now?I mean fuck.I'm sick of being ok.Ii'm sick of trying to be ok.I'm not fucking ok and honestly I'm too tired to think that trying to change that matters.Hell not much really matters to me at the moemnt.Nothing holds any meaning.It doesn't even matter to me that theres no meaning.I'm sick of needing a meaning to do anything.Why does anything we do need meaning?I mean most of the time it only means something to us.And in the end what the fuck does that matter?Sex,love,accomplishments etc.Does any of that really matter if it only has meaning for us?Fuck I don't even know.I'm just sick of not doing things simply because they don't have meaning.Hell if I was waiting to do something that had meaning or mattered in any way shape or form I would be curled into a little fucking ball right now waiting to simply fade the fuck away.But ya know what.I'd rather just do things that are meaningless instead of that.Do alot of them make me a bad person,empty,cold?Yeah.Probably.But I just don't care anymore.None of it matters any fucking way.What the hells the point in being a good person?Kind?Caring?There is no fucking point.Yay people think your a good person.Yay for fucking you.You care.Wow I'm so fucking happy for you.Hey look you got shit on.Or heart broken.Damn,aint so good now huh?Nope.I'm fucking done with it.I'm so fucking sick of being the nice guy.I care too much.I'm too sympathetic.Things mattered too much to me.I'm just sick of it.No.I may not get any farther in life.But fuck at least my morals wont keep me sexually frustrated just cause I want to make love instead of fuck.This post really doesn't have any fucking point.Fuck it.I've desided that I'm going to get somewhere in life even if it means fucking nothing.Why?because it's better then being curled up in a fucking ball.That is the only thing that matters to me anymore.Not being curled up in a fucking ball feeling sorry for myself.

current mood: Fuck off.

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Sunday, January 4th, 2004
2:15 pm
wonderfultonite His words hit me like a slap in the face.
And i finally turned around and walked away from them.

But what hurts the most is that I didnt even get to say goodbye.

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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
5:34 pm - Cross posted to my own journal.

Things always work out for the best.

Not because there's some divine force seeing to it that everything does work out for the best, but because life is so horrid as is, that any conclusion is better than the status quo.

I'm not sure how well anyone outside of my own head will understand that. . .

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Thursday, December 4th, 2003
6:17 am - Some quotes. . .

I thought when love for you died, I should die.
It's dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.
~Rupert Brooke

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
9:33 pm - I think it's time for another rant

Ok..where to start.Been busy since last time I posted here...Some things got better...but we all know I'm not here to talk about that...so on to the I want to kick a fucking puppy rant.

Ok so I just met this girl.She's so fucking amazing it makes my head hurt.Well I have NO clue what she wants right now.I know I should just ask but lovely insecurities.yay for fucking insecurities.She hasn't been in too many relationships in the past so this is a bit new for her.Not sure what the hell I'm doing.I really really like this girl.and am so afraid she's just going to run leaving me hurt.*shakes head*At the moment she's really busy wich leaves no real room for me to see her.I wonder if she even has a place in her life she can even *fit* me in.*sigh*I don't know...on other topics...

I'm sick off seeing my friends in bad relationships.I'm sick of seeing 2 friends in a relationship when there BOTH miserable in it.I'm sick of feeling like a lesser person in life.I hate feeling like a broken toy.I ahte being played with.I hate my fucking ex and her manipulative gilt triping drama endusing personality.I ahte feeling brushed off.I fucking hate my roomates.I'm sick of feeling guilt about thing that are not my fault.I hate wanting a cigarette.Makes me feel like a freaking heroin junky.I hate being uneployed.I hate this fucking happy shit thats playing right now*changes song*I hate feeling sad and lonely when I shouldn't be.I hate sleeping alone.I hate waking up alone.I'm sick of people.I hate the fact that I kep loosing shit.Like my phone book and my keys.And my fucking mind for that matter.I ahte that I feel like I'm scaring people away when I tell them how I feel.I'm sick off feeling so fucking much.I'm sick of caring mroe then others.I'm sick of feeling like I'm obsessive.I'm STILL sick of the government.I'm sick of not being anywhere in life.I'm sick of my fucking pice of shit computer.I hate my ISP.I ahte not having the $$ to change most of that.I hate feeling like a child.I hate the cold.I hate how chaotic my brain is.I hate the fact that I even need to come here.I'm fucking sick of not being able to deal at times.I hate having to lean on other people.I hate my past for making me need to lean on other people.I hate myself for making those desicions.I hate the fact that my fingures like to type letters backwards.I hate that I can't finish anything.Ever.I fucking hate the fact that I have spent the last year alone.I ahet the fact that I don't even know how to ask the questions that I need answers to.I hate the fact that I even need to ask some things.I really hate that I am not a god.I hate living in the geto..yet a-fucking-gain.I'm sick of nothing every changing.I'm sick of not being able to change.I'm sick of not being good enough for some people.I'm sick of the fact that it is so hard to get a job these days.I fucking hate feeling like I have two personalities.oh fuck it at this point I'm sick of this fucking post.*shakes head*


current mood: Lost

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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003
10:28 pm - My First Heartbreak

I met this guy months ago at work. We had clear chemistry even though we are complete opposites. He's goth, I'm not. He's 26, I'm 18. And so on. But it worked really well. We started going out in May. Things were great. We spent all summer together and had fun just falling asleep in each other's arms. In July, I decided that I wanted to give him the gift of my virginity. I don't regret it even now. I could not have wished for a more special person to come along and be so utterly caring and sweet. The problem was, in August I was moving away to school. We both knew this going in, but we couldn't help but fall for each other.

I moved up to school(about six hours away from home) and things were hard. But I was coming home to visit in two weeks, so it really wasn't a big deal. I knew that he was having a really hard time without me there. My friends kept me up to date on how he was doing and all that. He spent the first week drunk and tried to keep himself so busy, so as not to think about me being gone. We went from seeing each other everyday to talking on the one once every few days.

I came home and everything was fine, like I had never left. It felt good to be back in his arms again and to have the affection I didn't have at school. But the weekend was short and eventually I had to go back.

For a while, we talked on the phone a few times a week and a lot online. Then he started to disappear. I would hear from him every few weeks and even then it was for really quick chats. I knew he was busy and so was I so I let it go.

At the beginning of the month, I was randomly looking at this website online and found a picture of him at a club. And he had some girl wrapped around him. At first, I freaked out, I mean who wouldn’t? But then I started to think that he’s never cheated on a girlfriend before and that she is probably just a friend.

Two nights ago, I found out that she was more than a friend. In fact, he had dated her for a while. I was/am completely devastated. I talked to him about it yesterday and asked him not only if he loves me(because he’s never once said it) and why he didn’t tell me. We had never talked about seeing other people, only that if we wanted to, we would talk about it first. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I got fucked! I asked him if he slept with her and, although his response didn’t directly answer the question, I know he did. What’s worse is that he was fucking her TWO weeks after I had left from my visit.

I told him how hurt I am and he is genuinely sorry for causing me pain, but he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong. He thought we did have an understanding that when we were apart, we weren’t together, but when I’m home we are.

I want to hate him so bad, but I can’t. I am so deeply in love with him that I could never hate him. I hate what he did and how I feel and how apathetic he is, but I don’t hate him. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but I know that I am going to protect my heart from him. I am emotionally shut off to him right now and I told him that. The thing is though, it’s almost like he doesn’t care. Like I mean nothing to him. And I know that’s not true, but it still hurts.

Anyways, I’m going to go get shit-faced for All Hollow’s Eve and try to forget about all this. I’m really sorry if I bored you guys, but I saw the community and it sounded like the right place to get out this stuff.

current mood: hurt

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Monday, October 20th, 2003
1:02 am - Cleaning out old files. . .

Who says time dulls pain?

current mood: crushed

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Tuesday, May 13th, 2003
1:59 am - no need for advice...been here before...

So after sucking up all of my insecturities and hang-ups and ask person if she would be interested in date i get the good old I just wanna be friends line.*beats head into the preverbial wall* Well as I have said before if i'm interested in someone they fall into one of three catagories.
1) there taken
2) there not interested
3) there bad for me

I can hope it will...but it still hasn't changed...

current mood: crushed

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12:50 am - Ranting yet again

I ahte when I get like this.I hate when theres someone I like and I cant talk tyo them and tell them.I hate being this nervious when I shouldn't be.Why is it so hard to go "hey by the way I like you maybe we should go out on a date sometime".I ahet fearing rejection like this.hate it hate it hate it.ok I'm done for now.I really ahte insecurities.

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Sunday, May 11th, 2003
9:41 pm - Ranting

So I'm new here.*waves* hello everyone.I have been wanting to just go off on my Lj but I ahve too many friends who read it etc.

*DISCLAMER* This is the "i'm really a nice guy and don't feel like dealing with my conticence latter" speach.--If anyone is easyly insulted don't read this.If your having a nice day and are going to post such here don't read this.I'm here because I'm normally a nice guy and I have to be nice at work.Both of which tend to biuld tention.ok that out of the way.I'm going to go off a bit,don't expect any of this to make much sence.

Ok so I came on to read a bit and see what people really say in here etc and the first thing I see is a poem by someone who's feeling all loved and shyt.What the F3ck is that??What part of IT"S JUST A F#CKING ILLUSIONS didn't you understand?I don't give a rats @$$ if your freakin happy.YAY for you heres a cookie.*shakes head*

I hate people.I'm so sick of being the nice guy who never gets the girl.I'm sick of females saying that they want a guy like this and this and this and blah blah blah.Because you know whay?It's usually sitting in front of them and they take the a$$hole anywway.So when there sitting there bitching about him they can kiss my arse because they could have had better.They just didn't want it.I'm sick of being unsure of myself when I shouldn't be.I'm sick of smoking and not having the will to stop.I'm sick of feeling like a f#ck-up.I'm sick of spellchecking.I'm sick of having to be nice to people who I think should be shot.I'm so sick of people I want to kick a puppy just because I know people like them grrrr.I'm sick of wanting someone who doesn't ahve any interest in me.I'm sick of people that lie to themselves.I'm sick and tired of being lonely.I wish I just ahd someone I could cuddle with and shyt.I"m sick of caring.I'm sick of feeling.I just want to go numb.I wish I could sit in a padded room with a hug me coat on and just talk to voices all day freaking long.i'm sick off feeling like a m,oron because I don't have as much schooling as I'd like to have.I hate being incredib;y smart and having no real schooling.I hate not learning.I hate working a f#cking monkey job.I ahte not ahving my own place.I hate the fact that I was out of work for 3 moths and was forced to move abck home after 6 years of not living there.I ahte the fact that I like someone and ahve no clue how she feels.I wanted to tell ehr but don't know when I will see her next.So I posted it in my Lj one night.I have yet to hear anything one way or the other.I hate not having time to do the things I would like to do.I'm sick of watching my hope die before me.I'm sick of not having the guts to pull the trigger.I hate the fact that the rest of the world is all for the goverment because it feeds them a whole lat of shyt but because it's what they want to hear 'god' forbid you tell them the truth.Yeah were doing this for this and this and this and did anyone notice that the Us pres family got rich from oil?hmm go to war with place with litsa oil...hmm just a thought.and god forbid anyone think that a government wouldn't kill it's own people in say "plane crashes" so they can better control people with a new word liek "terorism" huh and you know we didn't even need to draft for a war because so many people signed up for it after planes hit it...hmmm.*shakes head* I told you not to read if your easily insulted*snicker* But no one would even think that the government would do such horrible things because the US is soooooooo much better then evryone else.f#ck it.It wont change anything anyway.It matters about as much as anything else.which isn't all that much.Ok I'm done for now I guess.I feel a little bit betetr i think.*kicks a puppy*I'm not even going to spellcheck this f#ck it.


current mood: annoyed

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
1:03 am - Becoming

Lay me down on pillows soft
Dress me in your kisses sweet
Our bodies intertwining, Becoming One
As you open my soul with hands and knees

Smooth, soft lips like a velvet touch
Bluest eyes like a tranquil sea
Passion rages like a thunderstorm
Like a tidal wave you overcome me

Intoxicating pleasure, feels like I could fly
You soul is inside me now
Heart to heart in bliss we lay
As you turn my world around

Breathing into my soul
All I want to Become
And as I hold you in my arms
Two worlds slide in to One

current mood: loved

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Monday, March 24th, 2003
1:38 am

on self destruckt mode, things have started their respective downward spiral of disintergration, and I'm following suit, taking their path as my own. I don't care anymore about shit, I'm tired of giving a shit, I'm tired of being disappointed, I'm tired of all of it, I'm loosening my grip on my control and anticipate its chaotic aftermath, the wreckage it creates and the clean up I'm not gonna do....FUCK IT!!!!

(in the middle of a self destrucktive bender and enjoying it immensly.....on the hunt for more Wreckage to poison my body, Numb my mind and eventually kill me ...Thank You and Fuck OFF!!)

ADDENDUM: The Newly established Regime of Wreckage was officialy started on Friday, Ending a sad period of complacency, false love, incompetence and Lies. The mission of Wreckage is to use the earth as your personal whorehouse, exract, extort, distort, distroy, manipulate and abuse every Vice and Desire to extremes. Or whatever floats your canoe. Have you ever been fed up to the point of violence?? Has the day-to day routine of your life drugged you into a mind bending nightmare? I have and I'm sick of it, thus Wreckage was born. In the next few weeks I'll be setting up a Community for those interested, so that we can tell our personal tales of Wreckcage from everyones POV. I'll need some help with this so any one interested drop al ine and we'll hook up.


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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
2:26 pm - Just A Quick Hello

Just saying hello, am new and looking forward to getting to know some of ya:) Feel free to add me to your friends list if you so choose. Be warned I post alot at times:)

current mood: cheerful

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Monday, March 17th, 2003
2:46 am

why does it seem like i'm a little pawn in his game? i hate the insecurities of dating someone... especially when my feelings are growing and growing for him. I HATE DATING!

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Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
10:08 am - Venting it..

New to this.... infact out of all the time I've had a journal, this is the first community I've joined. I have so much hidden in unseen journals......and y'know what?....I think it's about time.....they came out...because every thought, every tear every something and every nothing deserves to be seen...somewhere.

Just because you willingly lose something...doesn't make up for all that you lost along the way to realization....to all that was taken...it was all in those inconsequential moments...when in a room full of people...the loneliness still aches....when your smile is paper thin and tacked on with cellotape.....and your life's in a paper boat.

I'm rambling and I apologize for this..... I'll probably pollute your screens with far too much in random bursts .... some of which at first will be from other places....that just....got tired of hiding.......reminding me to breath.


Ever read something that twists your guts...that places some irremoveable fear in a clenching fist upon your heart?.... something that's like a slap in the face...a realisation....or maybe just a dissapointment....?

ever feel..something so strange that ....its like some ache thats dug so deep and so fast...like a bullet that you can't pull out...and a crash that you can't stop looking at?..

I feel sick.

.....there's a reason people usually only hold your hand with one of their own.....sometimes their other hand is too busy placing that proverbial knife in your heart.

Nothing is ever really free, maybe that's why we hold so much of it....so much of that nothing.

i just have an urge to crumble, it came on all of a sudden like a knocked over glass, you only see it fall after it's halfway to the ground....only there is no formidable noise like a shattering. There is no pretty sparkling pieces. Bleh. I can feel my temples caving it and pushing with little throbbing fingers under my cheeks and up behind my eyes trying to goad them into leaking or something.

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10:05 am - Jus' another vent...

I don't miss you.... I miss what I lost whilst I was with you...

I don’t miss you. I miss your jumpers though, their scratchy softness, too washed, over-washed stretch…the way they scratched and nestled my cheek. The way I could inhale you from them as I slept upon it with a hand curled through it. I wonder what you’re doing now….. don’t think for a moment that I care though. I don’t miss you. I miss the way your smile felt rested on me though. I wonder if you remember all the Christmas’ and the walks in the snow, we were going to be forever…did I always know that I’d leave…. that I’d go? I don’t miss you. I just want you to know, that I’ll always not miss you. It was never you…because it couldn’t be me. I couldn’t be the one for you…I couldn’t be anything new…and neither, neither could you. I don’t miss you. You were as wrong for me, as the me was for you. Toes pinched in too-small boots on too-long walks and car doors slammed, you always knew when Trent screamed his loudest, that I’d listen to you the least. Guilt trips and wordless lips all sealed in that wax initial that you wanted. Fall downs and break downs and dead roses in a box by the leather bound book you could never understand. Eternity it said…cracked at the cranium….it was always me that was going to leave, how apt that I kept my eternity in a box…and yours , well yours you lost. The rings are all squashed and kept, in another…another one little box. Never had our faces looked so sad then when we were with each other, never had hey looked so sad as when we parted. It was never you…..I could have let you have been. You had my heart and they, they had the key. I had your heart and a dirty boot that stepped upon it. Three winters was too long and if we’d just kept the first maybe ….. I wish you were my friend. You always was…..so many people had the more I should have given to you. Maybe you didn’t take it. Maybe you just never saw it. I dreamt you understood me once…..and in that dreams your eyes were the colour of understanding, the colour of misery. I really don’t miss you at all. No fireworks. No longing. No shivers. I’d lost you as that before you knew it had gone….before I started to slip away into arms I couldn’t have. It was never you and it couldn’t be them. My heart slipped out the back door, some little purpled lolita that had left you…years before the rest of me followed. You needed cello tape, I needed nails. The hardest thing was to not touch your tears…….that I made you cry. To not let you see mine, that night, the night I said the over due goodbye. I don’t miss you. I could never miss you in the way you wanted me to, in the way I wanted to. I’ll always not miss you. Always.

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Sunday, March 9th, 2003
11:28 pm - im new and venting...copied from my journal

I'm so tired as of late of People, Of people disappointing me, being drunk burn outs, of my fuckedupness, of my heart breaking, and of life in general. I'm pissed off at the fakeness of People. I'm pissed off at my depression, My own bullshit, the evil things that I do that are wrong, the lies and the sorrow. The meaningless bullshit that I try to live my life by, the very core of my new existence that I try to awake people with isn't enough to push people to change. I have tried to be everything to everyone, to be the shining star in Someones life, my struggle to be the only one has failed. I am being tossed aside for what? I dunno, People have disappointed me for the last time, Kiss My Ass fuckers!!! You will mourn the loss of my light, wisdom and love. I am spirialing into myself like a collapsing star, falling into my own hell.....Again.

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Wednesday, November 6th, 2002
6:14 pm - Hollow.

I forgot what it was like to cry...

the thought that something that was there the whole time... but wasnt a problem... manifests itself. I feel lost, I feel hopeless... like any other person in a depressed state...

.... just an illusion indeed. Fuck you for calling me "goth" a year ago. Life begins with misery. You have your temporary happiness.. but it's just an illusion. It's always an illusion... just enjoy it while it lasts. You'll always be right back where you were before.

current mood: Hollow
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